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Born To Hand Jive

August 16, 2008
Filed under: Asides,humorous — bcd @ 12:09 am

i work in a small building – 6 floors high and we are on the 1st floor. due to the area of town we are in, what i will call a pseudo-business district, the shitters on the first floor require a key. so besides having to carry a cardkey for office access, you have to carry a physical key too. fun.

the bathroom is not very large: two standups, two sitdowns, two sinks. my office at home is larger and that ain’t bragging. i mention the size b/c it sets the scene for the atmosphere in our office away from the office.

with the diet i am on, i drink a lot of fluids (supposed to be water, but i have a severe Diet Coke problem, which is exacerbated by our office’s free soda machine). needless to say, i visit the head probably 4-6 times a day. i always feel a little self-conscious about it b/c i have to walk past another office each time, where there is a receptionist who faces the hall and can see our coming and goings (but thank god not our leavings.) i am sure she is tired of watching the parade.

i have always thought it a little weird, heading in to drop a load in very close proximity to another man doing the same. i mean, in spite of the smell and the sounds, it just seems too personal an act to share with friends and strangers. and what’s with the dividers that don’t go all the way to the ground? is Larry Craig in charge of restroom design permitting on a federal level? anyway, every time i am sitting in the can and someone comes in and sits in the next stall, disturbing the peace, i always think of the Romans.

pull up a seat and stay awhile!

that’s a Roman set of shitters. the Romans had plumbing, which put them an entire era ahead of their peers; unfortunately, the “let’s sit right next to another guy defecating” design appears timeless.

one thing that really weirds me out is the Indian guy who works in the other tech firm on the first floor. when i first started my job, i Googled this firm, b/c i am nosey and wanted to know what they did. plus they have a vast array of foreign workers, so i figured it was tech (guys from Indian, Pakistan, some former Soviet-bloc countries, etc.) anyway, this one guy is the head honcho. he’s got a Stanford degree and spends a large amount of time in the atrium of our building talking on his cellphone. that’s not the weird part; we all take our “private” calls in the atrium (thanks for the cubes, mother fsckers.) no, what’s weird is his pissing ritual.

look, i am not spying on the guy, so hear me out b/c you also would notice this. by shear volume of times i piss and the fact we share a two stand-up urinal bathroom, i run into the same people over and over and over again. it’s like Groundhog Day, but with more porcelain. the first time i pissed next to Mr. Stanford, i heard a paper ruffling sound coming from waist high. i figured maybe he had a paper towel in his hand, and while it would seem weird to handle your johnson in such close quarters with one of those pieces of tree bark they call paper towels, who am i to fault the man. he’s from India, what the fsck do i know?

but a few weeks later, it happened again. he’s pissing next to me and i hear the sound of scrunching paper and this time i notice he’s doing the old hippy-hippy-shake. again, seems odd, but hey, i still figure it’s nothing.

last week same deal. except this time i am almost certain: Captain Google-School is wiping his pecker when he finishes pissing! now i haven’t seen anything, but i can’t help but think this is what is happening. at first, i am really weirded out by this. who wipes their dick? well, besides the Rolling Stones, years 1970 to 1998. but the more i thought about it i wondered: should i be wiping my dick? is this some ritual that i missed out on b/c my mom raised me by her lonesome when i was ages 6 to 11?

when i saw that he turns on the faucets with a paper towel and opens the door with a paper towel, i did relax a little. is Monk Indian?



  1. Best. Post. Ever.

    Nothing anyone ever writes will be better than this.

    That’s it, I quit, I don’t…

    Comment by DAC — August 16, 2008 @ 11:07 am

  2. it’s stories like these that i know i should write, but honestly, it feels so weird opening that portion of my experiences.

    who knew little old liberal me had conservative tendencies?

    well, anyone who sees that i went to Baylor might suspect something….

    glad you enjoyed it. there is so much weird shit at our office building; i could/should write a book.

    guess i need to tell the “Parking Garage Blow Job Queen” story, huh?

    another time maybe.

    Comment by bcd — August 16, 2008 @ 11:37 am

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